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New CoupleThis is probably not new news to you, but the vast majority of how your relationship is going with your partner has a TON to do with how your relationship with YOU is going. On a long-term basis (that is, after “The Honeymoon Period” is over), you’re not likely to be treating your partner and your romantic relationship much better than you treat yourself.  When you’re feeling dissatisfied or deprived of certain needs being met by your partner, how often are you looking to see whether or not you’re treating yourself any better?

One of the keys to taking sufficiently good care of yourself is to tune into and learn to dance with your Sacred Rhythms…particularly the Sacred Rhythm of Rest.  You may be wondering what the hell a Sacred Rhythm is, right? It’s not the newest beat dreamed up by Kanye West.  Your Sacred Rhythms are a fusion of the speed at which your heart and Spirit would naturally do things, that work together to help keep you both aligned with your heart’s deepest wisdom, but also to your body’s wisdom.  It’s part bio-rhythm, part physical capacity, and part intuition.  When you’re wondering if you, or your partner, have possibly lost your mind, given how you’re suddenly and unexpectedly behaving (or they are), it may just be that one or both of you are out of Rhythm.  You’re dancing with yourselves, and each other, with two left feet.

For example, I can remember a time when I wondered why my wife was seeming, once upon a time, to be so frustrated with the lack of time I was spending with her.  To me, I thought I was spending plenty of time with her, and really couldn’t understand what the problem was.  What I wasn’t seeing in those days was that we had two entirely different rhythms and expecting that we both would have at least similar, if not identical, rhythms.

At that time, however, I was a workaholic working an average of 60-70 hours a week in my corporate life, coming home to briefly eat and shallowly connect with her and the kids, before either passing out in front of the TV or at my desk as I did even more work.  I had no idea what my real, or Sacred, rhythm really was other than wake-up, work, go to bed, and repeat.  Sounding at all familiar to you?

You and/or your partner might have something like this going on. If you do, you might even think it’s all reasonable or ok, because – after all – you’re working hard, which is what you’ve been encouraged to do since you were knee high to a grasshopper.  However, if your partner doesn’t have that same – or a similar – rhythm, then all hell can break loose and cause all kinds of problems, not the least of which is the two of you not having sufficient time to even really hear or communicate what’s happening with you, in you, and and what’s needed by you.  And, if you try to communicate at a time when you’re seriously over-riding your natural rhythms, you’re not likely doing the best job of communicating and probably aren’t getting heard the way you want and need to Couple Dancingbe.

The human body is organically designed to work in periods of acceleration and rest.  However,  as noted author Tony Schwartz points out in his book “The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working,” more and more people are forcing themselves to operate and live like machines that can go 24/7; however, machines are designed to do that.  You are not!  The same is true with relationships…all healthy relationships require periods of resting…not just cuddling or napping together, but resting into a level of quiet and stillness with each other – and with yourselves – that allows you to hear your own needs, as well as try to tune into the energy of your partner to feel how they may be doing, to help gauge how you can best dance/work together in a given moment or time.

How do you know if you’re not doing this Rumba very well or smoothly?  Here are some tell-tale signs:

  • You’re not even noticing your own breathing at any point during the day, and a simple act of connecting starts feeling like you’re being dragged down the rabbit-hole of doom and overwhelm.
  • Your To-do list(s) starts getting consulted more than yourself or your Partner, and then becomes the manifesto or blueprint by which your relationship – and your life – is being managed and directed.
  • You keep saying “Tomato” and your partner keeps hearing “Potato,” and neither of you are taking the time to find out why  that difference is happening and what to do about it…because you’re too busy, have too much to do, and you’ll figure it out later.
  • The only quiet time you find for yourself, or each other, stops being cuddling or sex, but those last few minutes between your head hitting the pillow and you going off to Dreamland.

If any of these things are making you squirm a bit, or even worse, making you mutter “Oh s*t!” inside your head, then it’s time for you to examine how you’re relating to your own Rhythm(s), including determining if you even have any idea of what they are.  If you don’t really know what they are, then a pretty key way to start finding out is to simply go to a stopped place.  That means you stop…even for a few minutes, throughout your day.

Two sidesStop for moment of checking in with your body…how’s it feeling? What’s it need right now?  Stop for a Love Break…think of (and feel) someone or something you love deeply…quickly call your partner, your kids, or a friend, and just tell them ) or their voicemail) one thing you really love about them and say “Talk more later!”  Look into a mirror, and actually notice the energy and face looking back at you…pay attention to how it feels to do that.  Even start meditating for 5 minutes a day before you start your day.  Any of those things would begin making a difference in your ability to get acquainted with your Sacred Rhythms of You, get more masterful with letting your heart be your Choreographer, and then bringing that deeper and different sense of yourself to your relationship…not to mention being able to better weave amongst your partner’s rhythms without having to take so many things personally.

I would really love to hear what you think and feel about this topic.  If you would be willing to share, and would want it to be anonymous, please email me at If you’re willing to have your experiences be of more immediate use and support for others trying to figure all this stuff out too, I invite you to post a comment or a note, to my Living Your Spirit Now Facebook Fan Page

Geoff Laughton

Geoff helps couples get the relationship back with each other that they’ve been dreaming of instead of continuing to live the one they’ve been settling for.
Geoff is a Master Relationships Recovery Coach who has spent the last 15 years guiding individuals and couples worldwide in re-energizing and re-inventing their relationships – with themselves and others – before they get irreparably damaged. This, combined with his 29 years as a loving husband and father, has provided Geoff with the real-life experience needed to guide others in rescuing and renewing the relationships into which so much time, love, and energy have been invested – and need not be wasted.

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